


Straightest Man in Seigaku

by aliceylain



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-15
Updated: 2011-10-15
Packaged: 2017-10-24 15:58:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliceylain/pseuds/aliceylain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Kawamura still didn't know exactly how it had happened. One day, everyone had only been good friends and the next, Oishi was explaining why he was suddenly holding hands with Kikumaru.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Straightest Man in Seigaku

It was hard being the straight one on a team full of gay tennis players.

Kawamura still didn't know exactly how it had happened. One day, the regulars had only been good friends and the next, Oishi was explaining why he was suddenly holding hands with Kikumaru. The explanation had lengthened to include why Inui and Kaidoh had scheduled extra-special training practices that involved ice-cream, why Tezuka and Fuji were using a dictionary to exchange love notes, and why Momoshiro and Echizen suddenly didn't want anyone to come with them when they went out for food. Oishi had also been careful to explain that sometimes Echizen and Inui would go out and watch a movie together while Kaidoh and Momoshiro got their "differences" out of their systems. How _that_ worked, Oishi hadn't been able to answer.

It wasn't really so much that they were dating each other as the fact that he had been excluded. Had everyone sat down one day and decided they were gay? Why hadn't they invited him? That's because he had been deemed the straight one, Kawamura thought tiredly as he walked into the Seigaku clubhouse later than usual. The _only_ straight one and this was causing more problems than Kawamura wanted.

"How's it going, Taka-san?" Momoshiro said, slinging an arm around his shoulders after Kawamura had sat down on a bench.

Kawamura stifled a sigh. "Alright, Momo, alright."

"Yeah? Good, good!" Momoshiro leaned forward. "You're kinda late today," he whispered loudly. "Don't worry, I'll cover for you."

"Thanks Momo. I guess I am late." Kawamura managed to dredge up a smile. "Two girls stopped me right after school wanting dates. They were so hopeful..."

"Oh, _Taka_ ," Fuji said, stopping from putting on his regulars shirt and looking at Kawamura sadly. "You didn't say yes, did you?"

"What could I do, Fuji? I couldn't break their hearts."

"But when are you going to go on the dates? You already have school, tennis practice, weight training, sushi training, and..." Fuji paused and shot a look at Inui.

"...And six dates scheduled for this week," Inui said from where he sat, not even looking in his notebook for verification. "It is a bit excessive, even for a third-year."

"Six?" Kawamura rubbed the back of his neck and winced. "Well, if Inui says it's six, it must be true..."

"Six what?" Kikumaru asked, bouncing into the clubhouse and throwing his book bag onto one of the benches. "Six laps? _Already?_ Not for me, right? I'm not that late!"

"Six dates, Eiji," Fuji answered and then shot a stern look at Kawamura. "Now eight. Taka, if you can't remember how many dates you're going on in a week, then you have _too many_."

"But they were really sweet about it. They just want to go on one date with a regular. I couldn't let them down," Kawamura said, opening his locker and getting out his jersey and shorts.

"Yeah, Fuji-senpai, that would've been too cruel. He would've earned a thousand years of bad dating luck if he did that," Momoshiro said earnestly.

"You should choose one girl, Taka," Kikumaru enthused, pulling his shirt over his head. "That'll make things easier."

"No, no, no," Momoshiro countered, shaking his head frantically. "Why one girl when he can have lots? You just need to be more choosy, Taka-san."

"If Kawamura-senpai chooses only one girl, then the other girls won't be able to ask him for a date," said Kaidoh with a frown. "They might start asking us even though we're not interested."

"Ugh." Echizen grimaced. "Kawamura-senpai, keep dating those girls. Fight-o."

"Taka-san should do what's best for himself," Oishi pointed out, shaking his head at Kaidoh and Echizen. "Not what's best for us."

"Well, then there's no help for it, none at all." Momoshiro straightened and stuck out his chest. "As the second straightest regular on the team, it's my duty to help Taka shoulder the girl burden!"

"You're not the second straightest, moron," Kaidoh said.

"What? Of course I am! Girls cried when they found out I was taken, cried!"

"Momo-senpai," Echizen said with a smirk, "even if you were, were you going to ask me what I thought before you went off with the pretty girls?"

"Aw, Echizen, you're jealous!" Momoshiro grinned and pulled the brim of Echizen's hat down over his eyes. "How cute!"

Inui walked over and wrote something very quickly in his notebook, before tearing the page out and giving it to Kawamura. "I believe that if you structure your dates like so, you will find that you have at least 12% more free time than you did before."

Kaidoh snorted. "Inui-senpai, he needs to learn to say no, not change when he schedules his dates."

Smiling, Inui adjusted his glasses and the lenses flashed. "If that's true, Kawamura, don't ask Kaidoh for lessons on how to say no. He puts up a strong front but usually folds like a house of cards."

"Senpai!"

"Yeah, Mamushi! You've got no spine at all. I bet you're always saying, 'Yes, Inui-senpai, of course, Inui-senpai'. I bet that's the only reason why Inui-senpai likes you!"

Kaidoh glared. "At least I'm not going out with a _kid_."

Momoshiro took a step towards Kaidoh, his fists clenching. "Echizen's only one year younger than me! One year!"

"He looks like your kid. You're a head taller than him, two if you count your stupid _hair_."

Momoshiro grabbed Kaidoh's collar, Kaidoh growled in Momoshiro's face, and Inui looked at Echizen with a sigh. "There is a new movie out about a kitten that takes over the universe. Would you like to see it tomorrow after practice?"

Echizen shrugged. "Sure, Inui-senpai. I think Momo-senpai and Kaidoh-senpai should give us money for the popcorn, though."

"Hoi!" Kikumaru jumped in between the second-years, shoving them apart. "Stop it, this isn't helping Taka-san!"

"It's okay, Kikumaru," Kawamura said. He stood up to leave as he had finished changing. "I'll find the time to make the girls happy. Maybe they would like to learn how to make sushi and I can double up a date with sushi training? Maybe they'd like to watch me weight train?"

"What is going on in here?" Tezuka stepped into the clubhouse with a frown on his face. "Why isn't everyone on the courts already? Everyone is out there except for the regulars."

"Tezuka," Fuji said, his smile growing, "we're trying to help Taka-san with his girl problem. Perhaps you can offer some advice?"

The clubroom quieted and Tezuka looked blankly at Fuji. "Girls? I thought he did well enough with the girls."

"That's just it, Tezuka," Oishi argued, looking concerned. "He does _too_ well. It wouldn't normally be a problem but Taka-san has many responsibilities."

"Yeah, usually straight guys are happy to have girls flinging themselves at them. Taka-san is really lucky!"

"Well, about that..." Kawamura started to say.

"Perhaps you could have a talk with the girls, Tezuka? Let them know that they should give Taka some space," Fuji said, tilting his head.

"It isn't my place to say they can't speak with Kawamura," Tezuka explained, looking slightly annoyed. "He should say no to them if he doesn't have the time. And as the straight one on the team, he should expect this type of attention."

Kawamura raised a hand. "But see, no one ever..."

"That's really not fair. Some girls won't accept no and Taka-san is too nice to make someone upset. He shouldn't have to exhaust himself dating every girl who dreams of having a regular as a boyfriend."

"Fuji's right," Kikumaru chimed in. "We don't have to date all the boys, after all!"

"That's different," Inui argued. "We are in relationships and he isn't. And due to negative social implications, boys are not nearly as forthcoming as girls."

"I'm going to go outside now, okay?" Kawamura said and headed to the clubhouse door.

"Oh, Taka-san, don't forget your racket. Here you go."

"This isn't something we should be discussing during club time," Tezuka said sternly. "I want everyone to head out onto the courts and stop discussing Kawamura's straight problems right-"

"I'M NOT STRAIGHT-O!" Kawamura shouted, punching his racket into the air.

There was a moment of silence before Oishi said confusedly, "But you have sideburns. You have to be straight."

"I LIKE GIRLS AND BOYS. GIRLS _AND_ BOYS!" Kawamura shouted until Inui snatched the racket out of his hand. "Um, I guess I'm kinda straight and kinda not," he finished sheepishly.

"I told you," Fuji said smugly. "I told you that hairstyle was no way to determine these things."

"It wasn't just the hair. He went out on a date with Akutsu Jin's mother," Inui pointed out, tapping his notebook. "Although, since Akutsu showed up himself during it, perhaps it was a three-person date. I hadn't considered that..."

"That wasn't a date! I was talking to Yuuki-chan because she was worried about Akutsu," Kawamura said earnestly. "I told everyone that already, Inui!"

"But it does seem that we leapt to faulty conclusions." Inui opened his notebook and began writing quickly. "This changes things."

"And even if it didn't, Taka should still get our support." Fuji's eyes were open and he was frowning at Tezuka. "No one should have to date all the fangirls. Think if you had to date all the fangirls, Tezuka."

Tezuka was silent for a moment and then he walked over to Kawamura. "I apologize that you have been shouldering the heterosexual burden for so long." Laying a hand on the other boy's shoulder, he said, "From now on, we'll all help you."

Kawamura's eyes widened. "You don't have to do that, Tezu-"

"Momoshiro, as second straightest, you'll take half the remaining dates that he has agreed to. You will also help with any future dates."

"See, Mamushi? I told you I was second straightest! I bet you're last straightest. I bet you have pink bandanas at home!"

Before Kaidoh could lunge at Momoshiro, Tezuka snapped out, "Kaidoh! I want you to try smiling at the girls who watch our practices."

"What?"

"Don't worry, Kaidoh. I'll provide you with visualization methods that should make such a thing easier. And you can practice smiling at me," Inui said, placing a hand on Kaidoh's shoulder and smiling himself. "I have no problems with that."

Tezuka shot a look at Inui. "You are going to offer study lessons to any girls interested. There will be absolutely no experimental juices involved."

Inui adjusted his glasses with his free hand. "100% understood, Tezuka. Is tea alright?"

"There will be no _liquids_ of any type involved. Oishi! Kikumaru!"

"Hoi hoi!"

"As much as we appreciate our fans, the ones simply trying to secure dates are an unwanted distraction. You two will spread rumors about the other sports teams and their relative attractiveness."

Oishi smiled. "We can do that, Tezuka. The basketball team has been doing well in practice, I heard. They might even thank us for it."

"Fuji..." Tezuka paused. "Fuji, you will help anyone who needs help with their tasks."

Fuji looked pleased. "What if Momoshiro needs help with his dates?"

"I won't need help!"

"Then you will help him," Tezuka replied slowly, ignoring Momoshiro's outburst. "But you may consider assisting Kaidoh with his task first."

Turning to the youngest regular, Tezuka stared him down. "Echizen, you will make it a point to talk with at least one of the girls after practice, twice a week. It must be more than simply saying hello."

Scowling, Echizen opened his mouth to object but Momoshiro cheerfully pulled him into a headlock. "He says that's fine, Buchou!"

"Tezuka, this really is too much," Kawamura said, amazed but with his smile slowly getting bigger. "I appreciate it."

"You should have stated your difficulty before now, Kawamura," Tezuka replied, looking at him seriously. "We are a team."

Echizen pulled free of Momoshiro's hold, still scowling. "What are _you_ going to do to help Kawamura-senpai, Buchou?"

If Tezuka hadn't already been standing completely upright, he would have straightened. "I will be making certain everyone carries out their assignments to the best of their ability. Laps will be assigned if someone is shirking."

Momoshiro grabbed Echizen again. "I'll save you from Buchou's anger. You can practice speaking to girls by talking to An, okay? She can give you tips, too."

"And now that we have this settled, it is time to start practice. Now. With five laps."

Everyone started to leave the clubhouse and Oishi touched Kawamura's elbow. "So, Taka-san, what kind of boy is your type?"

"Ah, I don't know, Oishi. I haven't really thought about it too much."

"Based on some quick calculations, data indicates that Kawamura's preference would be towards dark-haired males with their heart in their eyes and an affinity for white clothing and bows."

There was abrupt silence as everyone stared at Inui with various looks of confusion.

"I could be wrong about the bows, of course."  



End file.
